Numb...or resolved?

I have surprised myself with the fact that I am calm...calm because I am numb - I feel unable to feel.

Happiness is lost on me and sadness futile...I am succombing to a dark haze.

I am afraid that I am resolved in my decision - a decision that I never wanted to make but somehow knew I must.

All we can do is keep breathing...all I can do is keep breathing.

I think that...somehow, the breath is my tether to present...however I show up.

The above line, 'all I can do is...' is from an Ingrid Michaelson song. Music is my refuge - I really cling to good lyrics and when I listen to Ingrid's music, I trust her with my pain because I can hear her own.

One of her songs repeats 'I just wanna be ok' another 'I want to change the world but I sleep...' and there is 'the sky looks pissed, the wind talks back...my bones are shifting in my skin and you my love are gone.'

Her music can hold my pain because, at times, it's the place from which she sings - she opens herself, exposing the rawness of her experience.

I will level out and come back into my equilibrium...I must.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Myra St,Jacksonville,United States

Pocket of Peace

"...life may be best measured in tastes rather than meals, in minutes rather than lifetimes..."

I read this in a Yoga International article today while hanging out with children at a bookstore.

I am seeking out the tastes and reveling in the minutes right now - it's all I can do.

My relationship has taken a drastic turn, we have created our demise somewhere along the way...setting it up, and in turn ourselves, to fail.

I feel as if I have too much going on in my life right now to mourn. I have two children who have been unfairly marginalized while my attention and most of my free time went to my relationship. I have an amazing job that I love, that inspires and challenges me daily. And most recently, I have begun planning my re-entry into academia.

So I mourn in tastes, I cry in minutes because I still believe my life is golden - I have been moved from my center by the demands of a relationship that ultimately broke my heart with my spirit.

I thought she was my future...thought she was the rocking chair beside mine on the porch of our later life, the mother of our 'one day' child, the home and haven for my fears, dreams, hopes, loves and wonders...I thought she was the end of my search.

I listened to a Jason Mraz song earlier..."Plane" and he sings with such a love, an adoration for the woman he sings for...it hit me last night, as she screamed at me, face red from fury, she doesn't even like me.

This realization is the only thing I have right now as my bulwark.

So I walk with my children and talk with my children, finding pockets - pockets of peace, pockets of pain...pockets of experience so that it all becomes manageable until I can stand again.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Big Island,Jacksonville,United States

Whispers

"In the stillness of the quiet, if we listen, we can hear the whisper of the heart giving strength to weakness, courage to fear, hope to despair..." ~ Howard Thurman

Every time I still my mind with my practice or with my breath or the simple awareness that I summon from within...I seek this whisper - listening for it to guide me and heal me along my path.

Life is interesting - the relationships we forge here are more telling as they serve our deeper understanding of self, who we are as individuals but more so, who we are to others (with them, for them).

I have always likened my children to mirrors - upon their birth, living as if a mirror were before me reflecting every thing - every word, every action, every loving and not so loving expression, I have met my edge and gripped it with ferocity, with determined white fingertips clinging to all that I know and never will.

My truth is deeper now and I see every relationship I am a part of serving as my mirror - casting back the raw interplay of the human dance.

May I cultivate the strength to never look away from that reflection, may I honor the whisper of my heart as it nudges me toward authenticity...for myself but also for those I love and cherish.

May I grow wings...

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen - there will be solid ground to stand on or you will be taught to fly." -Anon

As I step into the darkness of the unknown, god I hope so.

Creating my life...

I needed a new forum from which to muse...to contemplate, to wonder - and this is my new space.

My life is so full now, so rich and so fluid - I want to capture the details and explore the terrain, navigating it with my words and reflections...telling my story.

This is what you can expect here.

My story, plain and simple, my take on this here life.