Sampling Joy

At the base of a tree warmed by the filtered sunlight, I anchor my own body to a deeper source by way of the gnarled and knobby root I sit upon.

Around me, bodies move - some led by the instruction of the teacher, some by a deeper wisdom in their own bodies.

It feels sacred here - as if the space is blessed or protected, and because of that my pain cannot take root and spread throughout my insides...not here.

I am sampling joy today - breakfast with a friend at a local coffee house, a bike ride with various stops, pauses for and of joy, one of which brings us here (we call them our mini-adventures). She practices with the other bodies and I find solace in their space with my words and my thoughts.

As I sit under the protective guard of this tree, I am listening to Jason Mraz's Mr. Curiosity on a loop. There is an operatic interlude in the song that penetrates me, shaking my core and beckoning me from my sadness or sealing my fate - I'm not quite sure which.

Are you killing me curiosity? Dare I even stick around to see how this goes or should I close the deal, knowing that my fragile heart cannot be wrecked again.

More than that, how did I get here? I could have stood on the banks of certainty, instead of looking for or cultivating love - this great mystery. A mystery that should have remained shrouded - out of reach, unbeknown. I got to say, I'm not sure I would change a thing...she filled me - once.

But now, because I dared the great mystery, I am broken and left with the pieces that no longer fit because she took with her parts of my original self.

Her words that night play over and over in a loop in my mind, stirring any hint of stagnation in my emotional pit, the space left unsettled with stillness an impossible desire.

After we left yoga in the park, we sampled joy elsewhere in our little neighborhood - coloring with friends, eating ice cream in the same park we visited for yoga, creating a Peace mural out of found natural and not so natural pieces of the park, we shopped our little neighborhood shops - on and off the bikes...moving, on the go...no time for pain, no time for thoughts.

I am numbing myself in order to save myself - I can't feel it yet...not yet.